Why didn’t they just leave?

Woman holding hands with a girl and boy at an open door, looking worried
A mother stands protectively with her two children at a doorway, looking concerned.

This is something people who’ve never lived through abuse often say, while survivors carry the heavy truth of what really happened.

Leaving an abusive partner is extremely dangerous. When a survivor tries to get out, the abuser often reacts with panic and anger because they feel their control slipping. This reaction can lead to threats, violence, or pressure meant to scare the survivor into staying.

Some abusers threaten to harm the survivor, the children, or themselves. Others switch to emotional manipulation, begging, crying, or promising change. All of these behaviours create a frightening power dynamic that makes leaving feel unsafe and almost impossible.

Even after someone finds the courage to leave, the abuse often doesn’t stop. It can manifest in new ways, such as court battles, disputes over children, or financial control. Intimidation and harassment may continue, making freedom feel slow and difficult.

Leaving isn’t just about walking out the door — it’s stepping into an uncertain future where safety isn’t guaranteed. Even after getting out, some survivors are stalked in different ways, including at their workplace, making everyday life feel tense and unsafe. The emotional and mental strain can be heavy, and survivors often need strong support to navigate this challenging journey.

No matter how many barriers stand in the way, leaving is still a crucial step in reclaiming your life. It’s the moment a person chooses to stop letting fear dictate their choices and begins moving toward healing, growth, and a true fresh start.

Navigating the Hazards of Abusive Relationships

A mother stands in an old doorway looking out onto a rural path

Why Leaving May Not Always Be Safe

Leaving an abusive relationship can feel like a way out, but it’s usually not an easy path. Many people face real dangers when trying to escape, so it’s important to know the challenges involved. Let’s look at why leaving can be both necessary and risky.

Intimate partner violence is a serious issue affecting millions. When victims try to leave, they often face more danger because abusers may react violently. Studies show that about 75% of domestic violence-related murders occur when a victim is trying to leave or has just left.

Before deciding to leave, it’s crucial to consider the safest options. In some cases, staying with the abuser may be the safer choice at that moment.

Leaving can increase the chances of retaliation, so careful planning is essential. The risk of being killed goes up by about 500% if there’s a gun in the home, which is a serious concern.

Stalking is another dangerous element in domestic violence situations. Research indicates that about 60% of women and 44% of men who have been stalked were pursued by their abuser. Alarmingly, 90% of women murdered by their partners had been stalked in the year before their deaths.

Many victims also face the heartbreaking possibility of becoming homeless due to abuse. Abusers often isolate their victims, cutting off their support systems and moving them away. With limited finances, victims struggle to find safe places to stay, especially since domestic violence shelters can fill up quickly.

Victims of domestic violence must confront a tough choice: stay with their abuser or risk homelessness. This situation can expose them to even more danger.

In 2016, 12% of the homeless population mentioned that domestic violence played a role in their situation. In New York City, a staggering 88% of people facing intimate partner violence said that homelessness was a major barrier to leaving their abusers.